If its an effort, is it worth it?

All of us would have asked this question atleast, if not more, than once; Is it worth the effort? whatever maybe the context, this question resurfaces. As long as the context can be tied to something material, it makes sense because you see the tangible benefits, if not sooner, then later. The complexity arises when the context is intangible. Relationships!!

Who is to judge the answer to this question? The person who is asking or everyone else who, apparently, form the context of this question? What characteristics does this question tell about the person asking it? Does it counter loyalties? Does it negate equality? Does it reason pragmatism?

Whenever this question is asked, its a challenge to self. Why am I making the effort? answer is, because someone has to make it. Why not someone else? answer is, because I cannot affect, change or account for someone else's attitude and inkling. Either I do it or I don't. If you find yourself frequented by these bouts of questioning and answering, what does it say about you? Does it have to say anything about you at all? and if it has to, I raise the question again, who is to judge? who decides?

Expectations. How I love this word and what it denotes. For me its always had a tad bit of negative connotation to it. The lower your expectation, the chances of you being happy, are higher. But, is it humanly possible not to have any expectations at all? Irony is, that you tend to remind yourself for not having high or any expectations at all, just when your expectations aren't met, irrespective of however low they might have been on the scale to begin with. Just when it hurts you, you try and bring yourself to sanity and pragmatism. That's your reasoning to bounce back. All those efforts apparently seem totally worth it, because they help you feed into your sanity, into your righteous view of yourself and the world. That's how your scheme of things work. At what cost though?

What cost are you ready to pay to lower your expectations every time? living in denial, self-esteem, alienation, solitude? or maybe something even more damaging, sense of individuality, your own sense of self?

Choice Vs. Prejudice

ECHO : Are you scared? Are you shirking away from your responsibilities? Is it because of your own parents? Is it because of your childhood experiences? or is it because you are a very self-centred woman? ECHO FADES

Man up to your own decisions. Be ready to face the consequences or never blame anyone else for what you could or could not decide for yourself. Yes, there is a choice, there's always a choice.

I choose my identity! Not the identity that the world identifies me with, but the one that I identify with myself. That's only me; all me. I choose not be subjected to judgement for the rest of my waking life. I choose not to subject myself to the constant pressure of proving my competence to all the prying eyes of the world. I choose not to be loved, judged, emotionally incarcerated, and neglected for something that is not in my control and can never be. I choose not to be a mother.

I do not for a second want to gamble my life away just to "experience what its like" and be left with a "what could have been" for whatever would remain of that sorry life. I do not intend to reclaim my life after years - when its too late - how its the right time to find myself again, how about selfishness then? how does that get justified? Because I successfully put myself through the raging dark cloud with a silver lining, I proved my worth?

Its a dichotomy, you suddenly become something you have never been. You change, overnight! not because you become a mother! but when you don't become one. If I have to be judged for my actions, conduct, values and all the virtues in the world, as a mother, I'd rather be judged for not being one. Atleast I know what to expect, atleast I am prepared for what is to come. A choice I made for myself. A choice that gives me the immunity from uncertainty for life.

I do not want to convince anyone to believe in my thought process, similarly, I do not want to be convinced.There are a thousand reasons for doing or not doing something, I'd rather be that reason.

I often find myself at such cross roads, what some people might consider milestones in life, when I get into these introspectional mode. Why am I doing what i'm doing? What is it that I really want to do? It's so easy to get swayed and influenced by everything around you, which is why I always want to pause, take that break and ask myself, is that what you want? Asking those questions is not a way of convincing your own self, its just taking a stock of your own self, deciding for yourself, so that later on you don't spend time trying to place your finger on someone else to put your responsibility on. You dont want to find yourself questioning then.. What could have been.. That one big IF!!

Change is the only Constant

I am sure there would have been moments, frequent moments that is, when each one of us would have wanted a different life, a better life, a slow life, a happening life - the list could go on endlessly on the kinds of life - and we end up complaining, sulking, whining and, for sure, daydreaming of how this magical new life would look like and how it would be. We start spending every wake hour and in-numerous dream hours trying to either work towards it or blame everything around, for not having made any progress in achieving it, it would be too far fetched, not even achieving the bit-its that would make up the whole it.

We soon start living in denial, something we humans are so so good at! What we never realize is that the 'it' life, as I would like to call it, is always ever changing, ever so unpredictable and somehow down the line of being able to touch that zenith, we lose track of the horizon. We miss that point that we started with and we start accepting and living with what we have. Those are called life's success stories, that's where all the philosophical cliches have been invented from; make the best of what you have, look at life like a blooming flower, savor the nectar there is, till its there etc. etc.

I appreciate that philosophy, I acknowledge that philosophy, I sometimes try to live that philosophy, but I still get drawn to that little horizon that I initially set out to achieve. Now, when I look back in time, I realize that there are thousands, if not hundreds of little dots on the horizon and I don't know which dot am I chasing. Which one do I move to touch now? Which one is closest to where I am standing? Which one is way too far fetched? 

I have found re-inventing myself, re-oiling myself, shifting gears, re-programming myself so that I don't lose sight of not just the horizon but of myself. The entire process of chasing takes a toll on you and you have to pause for a moment and take stock of what is becoming of you - and don't even get me started on how you affect others by all of this chasing and dreaming; food for thought, but food I will cook some other time - and whether you are capable of even chasing it further. Basically answering the major question, which dot on that horizon is even worth it? 

Setting priorities, yeah that will do it! Has it never happened to you that someone else's problem always looks so simple and easy to solve, most easily lecture and impart wisdom upon, than yours? Have you never said to yourself, yeah, had I been in his / her shoes, Oh! wait a minute why would I ever be in his / her shoes in the first place, because whatever he / she is going through will never happen to me? and even if it does God forbid, this is what I will do and how I will do it! 

Then why does it happen, more often than not, that when you find yourself in that very situation, keeping everything else not constant (yeah I do hate economics) that you suddenly misplace that little piece of mind paper with just the right things that you knew you had to do to make that situation better? Even worse, you would know it, because you're so wise, but will not find that core strength, the energy or the right mind to implement it sooner? 

You will have your friends, family and people on facebook telling you what to do, serendipitous? maybe not! because you've known all of that throughout. You may not realize but some or all of such situations, indicate that you might have just reached a dot or achieved the bit-if of the overall it, and there you would be, trying to deal with the situation, when actually you should be celebrating for having reached where you are.

The horizon is still far away and there are all the other dots that you still have to reach to, what will matter in the end is whether you realized that you touched the dot or you're just dealing with a situation

Simple Logic

Isn’t it funny how times change; how life seems to have come to a standstill where you find yourself ready to take charge of things, ready to be on your own and by your own, yet so bound and helpless?

My code of ethics do not allow me to shirk my responsibilities and start looking for excuses or reasons to blame others and what we call as “circumstantial consequence”; it forces me to think how could I have handled the situation better, how could I have averted what happened? How can I make the best of what I have right now? Is it not true, that there are forces of nature and courses of action which are beyond your control, and they become so strong a force that they tend to interfere with your surroundings and your peaceful space and might just leave it all ruffled and messed up?

If that is, then how does one handle that? Yet not blaming others and the so called circumstances. I would love to have those moments back when all I could see around me was happiness and hear laughter. Wishful thinking some would say, but is that out of bounds? Is it not achievable? I hate to be where I am right now, worrying about things that I never knew existed in my surroundings, and yet here I am thinking about those very things which were always taken care of since time immemorial. There are far much graver issues that I could probably invest my energies on but here I am, stuck in a whirlpool of logistics and basics of existence: Man is a social animal, it needs to socialize.

Is simplicity such an expensive thing to afford these days? Is being what you are, become a punishment? Or have I stopped somewhere in time and the rest of the world has moved on. Is standing up for what you believe in, a crime these days? Is living moralistically and ethically a mere mockery? Am I missing something?

phrase - Come off age..! doesnt exist

Bangalore -Pub world - 21st June '08 approx 5ish in the evening... Ravi, a close friend of mine and I were sitting in a cozy corner.. munching away the spicy manchurian with Beer and breezer when we couldn't help but notice a couple... sitting right across us... gulping pint after pint and starters after starters and an expensive cigar smoke filling the air around us... happily talking about general everyday stuff and so happily engrossed in each other that I couldn't help but think aloud....

I want to be like this after 40 years of my marriage.....

Lo and behold... Ravi asked for a light... and the gentleman in a very welcoming manner offered him one... and it then began...

A striking conversation between 2 generations... The gentleman christened Ishwar (m. God) and his better half Kavita (m. a Poetry) aged 72 and 65 respectively.. with no heir to their heritage were 2 childhood neighbors married for over 42 years (I was so damn close :D )!!! still hale and hearty and Man.. he could drink.. gave the run for our money

How he as a person made his career... spend good years of his married life in Morocco; came back and are finally settled in bangalore.. for nice 10 long years... with just his hard earned money paying for his exuberant lifestyle now... and his well-wishers : If memory serves me well, the owners of the pub is kavita's brother and not to forget his friends, by his side....

How they as a married couple would have gone through the toughest phase of their life...surviving and living with the fact that they would never have kids of their own... still living life to the fullest. Kavita, with all the beaming beauty of a contented woman of her age.. Trust me.. that's an understatement... and Ishwar, a man at 72; would be an offence if I used the word old... because I don think they know what that term meant; was such an overwhelming personality that I could not help but think, why was I not born in the same colony as his...

He was generous enough to offer ravi his expensive cigar, invited us for a drink or two at his residence....enlightened us with his thoughts on Love and Life and left such an impeccable impression on us that we were left awed...

Not once did we feel out of place.. not once did we feel out of "league".. not once did we feel that there was a generation gap.. not once did we feel we were complete strangers...

They left.... but before they did... he blessed me... literally... and it was the most beautiful moment I will always cherish... and when I get married to the guy I love.. I will definitely pay my due visit to Ishwar and Kavita.. for teaching me what life is all about and how you never come off age..!

is it because.....

why does one have to feel bored and feel the need to find out ways and means to pull oneself out of it.... I never thought I would blog..ever.. but there you go... out of sheer boredom.. and after trying tested ways I still could'nt figure out what to do... and what is it that m getting bored of and feeling irritated about?

A sane mind sent me his blog to read... yeah 'the' smartest idea at that moment... and i thought what the heck... is it such a big deal to just utter sheer nonsense about anything and everything.. no offenses to the serious bloggers... but come to think about it...yeah this sure is keeping me occupied for the moment...

m so done with the gtalks and the msns and the yahoo's.. and the orkut's and the facebook's and the oh so ridiculous online games and the refreshing of mails and the constant stare at the laptop monitor just with the hope of some immaculate idea to pop up... I guess this is the best I could come up with..

the tv is on with all the world's attention to Abhishek and aishwarya's weight issues, shahid and vidya's coochi-cooing and the same songs running all over again as if there is a dearth of better things to show and play and all the sadistic reality shows.... let alone the nat geo's and the discoveries that peps me up... but for how long... haaaaaaaaoooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww llllloooooooooonnnnnnnnggggggggg... I don want to blink and change channels in my head...

reading.. ohh yes... Sword of God.. picked it up and kept it back again.. just could'nt focus..

cooking .. naaa.. not really.. but yeah kept on munching so that m 'occupied'..

Why is there a trance that a human gets into where there is so much running in the head.. yet nothing fruitful that comes out... is it because of desperation, depression, frustration, or plain overwhelming state of mind.... what is it because of..???????