If its an effort, is it worth it?

All of us would have asked this question atleast, if not more, than once; Is it worth the effort? whatever maybe the context, this question resurfaces. As long as the context can be tied to something material, it makes sense because you see the tangible benefits, if not sooner, then later. The complexity arises when the context is intangible. Relationships!!

Who is to judge the answer to this question? The person who is asking or everyone else who, apparently, form the context of this question? What characteristics does this question tell about the person asking it? Does it counter loyalties? Does it negate equality? Does it reason pragmatism?

Whenever this question is asked, its a challenge to self. Why am I making the effort? answer is, because someone has to make it. Why not someone else? answer is, because I cannot affect, change or account for someone else's attitude and inkling. Either I do it or I don't. If you find yourself frequented by these bouts of questioning and answering, what does it say about you? Does it have to say anything about you at all? and if it has to, I raise the question again, who is to judge? who decides?

Expectations. How I love this word and what it denotes. For me its always had a tad bit of negative connotation to it. The lower your expectation, the chances of you being happy, are higher. But, is it humanly possible not to have any expectations at all? Irony is, that you tend to remind yourself for not having high or any expectations at all, just when your expectations aren't met, irrespective of however low they might have been on the scale to begin with. Just when it hurts you, you try and bring yourself to sanity and pragmatism. That's your reasoning to bounce back. All those efforts apparently seem totally worth it, because they help you feed into your sanity, into your righteous view of yourself and the world. That's how your scheme of things work. At what cost though?

What cost are you ready to pay to lower your expectations every time? living in denial, self-esteem, alienation, solitude? or maybe something even more damaging, sense of individuality, your own sense of self?

Choice Vs. Prejudice

ECHO : Are you scared? Are you shirking away from your responsibilities? Is it because of your own parents? Is it because of your childhood experiences? or is it because you are a very self-centred woman? ECHO FADES

Man up to your own decisions. Be ready to face the consequences or never blame anyone else for what you could or could not decide for yourself. Yes, there is a choice, there's always a choice.

I choose my identity! Not the identity that the world identifies me with, but the one that I identify with myself. That's only me; all me. I choose not be subjected to judgement for the rest of my waking life. I choose not to subject myself to the constant pressure of proving my competence to all the prying eyes of the world. I choose not to be loved, judged, emotionally incarcerated, and neglected for something that is not in my control and can never be. I choose not to be a mother.

I do not for a second want to gamble my life away just to "experience what its like" and be left with a "what could have been" for whatever would remain of that sorry life. I do not intend to reclaim my life after years - when its too late - how its the right time to find myself again, how about selfishness then? how does that get justified? Because I successfully put myself through the raging dark cloud with a silver lining, I proved my worth?

Its a dichotomy, you suddenly become something you have never been. You change, overnight! not because you become a mother! but when you don't become one. If I have to be judged for my actions, conduct, values and all the virtues in the world, as a mother, I'd rather be judged for not being one. Atleast I know what to expect, atleast I am prepared for what is to come. A choice I made for myself. A choice that gives me the immunity from uncertainty for life.

I do not want to convince anyone to believe in my thought process, similarly, I do not want to be convinced.There are a thousand reasons for doing or not doing something, I'd rather be that reason.

I often find myself at such cross roads, what some people might consider milestones in life, when I get into these introspectional mode. Why am I doing what i'm doing? What is it that I really want to do? It's so easy to get swayed and influenced by everything around you, which is why I always want to pause, take that break and ask myself, is that what you want? Asking those questions is not a way of convincing your own self, its just taking a stock of your own self, deciding for yourself, so that later on you don't spend time trying to place your finger on someone else to put your responsibility on. You dont want to find yourself questioning then.. What could have been.. That one big IF!!